Yesterday I cried. Not exactly a new development, I have been averaging an emotional breakdown every couple weeks, but yesterday was different. These were tears of happiness. Eilish was cuddling into me as she is wont to do after eating and Mona Lisa & Madhatters by Elton John was playing on the radio. The song has nothing to with mothering per se but it is a very pretty song and Eilish is a very pretty baby - thus the tears - the happy tears.
I've come to the realization that I definitely suffered (suffer?) from postpartum depression in the weeks after Eilish's birth. It feels ridiculous to have the baby blues seeing as I've wanted a baby as long as I can remember and Eilish is for all accounts a pretty cool kid. She cries when hungry, when gassy or when she has a loaded diaper. She is averaging 2 feedings a night about every 5 hours so I have been getting more sleep but when you feel a wave of sadness come on, those things don't matter.
While we were out for a walk on Sunday we stumbled upon a library where I skimmed Brooke Shields book about postpartum depression. Brookey ended up going on meds and had visions of her baby hitting the wall and I certainly didn't feel that bad but I did see myself in some of the feelings she was having. I didn't want to hurt Eilish or myself but there were days where I just wanted to leave and let Owen (and his new wife!) raise Eilish. I'm very used to my independence so having a little one rely on me 24/7 is hard to get used to. Although I'm not breast feeding and anyone can feed Eilish I constantly feel like it's all on me. When Owen's feeding her I'm doing other Eilish related things - laundry, cleaning bottles etc. Lori said that this feeling doesn't ever go away. Eilish will be relying on me for the rest of her life (just as I still rely on Judes & Donnie K.) and the thought is a little daunting!
The biggest stress of motherhood was the feedings. Was she getting enough? Was she getting too much? How much spit up is OK and how much is me overfeeding her? Gripe water: to use or not to use. We've made the switch to powder formula and she's a different kid! The burps come easier, the spit up has been cut in half. I wonder if part of it is psycho somatic on my part. Is Eilish changing or am I getting more comfortable with her? A little of both maybe. We've had to use Gripe water twice since she's been on the planet and although I'm not sure it works, it sure does make her smell like she's been doing Zambuca shots with frat boys all night!
Eilish is the stuff that dreams are made of. The smiles are coming a little more frequently and the coos are in full affect. I know that she loves me and I want her to know that even though Mama cries, these days they are tears of sheer joy of what Daddy and I have made.
Besides, look at this face. Couldn't you muster up some tears of joy for this face?
I've come to the realization that I definitely suffered (suffer?) from postpartum depression in the weeks after Eilish's birth. It feels ridiculous to have the baby blues seeing as I've wanted a baby as long as I can remember and Eilish is for all accounts a pretty cool kid. She cries when hungry, when gassy or when she has a loaded diaper. She is averaging 2 feedings a night about every 5 hours so I have been getting more sleep but when you feel a wave of sadness come on, those things don't matter.
While we were out for a walk on Sunday we stumbled upon a library where I skimmed Brooke Shields book about postpartum depression. Brookey ended up going on meds and had visions of her baby hitting the wall and I certainly didn't feel that bad but I did see myself in some of the feelings she was having. I didn't want to hurt Eilish or myself but there were days where I just wanted to leave and let Owen (and his new wife!) raise Eilish. I'm very used to my independence so having a little one rely on me 24/7 is hard to get used to. Although I'm not breast feeding and anyone can feed Eilish I constantly feel like it's all on me. When Owen's feeding her I'm doing other Eilish related things - laundry, cleaning bottles etc. Lori said that this feeling doesn't ever go away. Eilish will be relying on me for the rest of her life (just as I still rely on Judes & Donnie K.) and the thought is a little daunting!
The biggest stress of motherhood was the feedings. Was she getting enough? Was she getting too much? How much spit up is OK and how much is me overfeeding her? Gripe water: to use or not to use. We've made the switch to powder formula and she's a different kid! The burps come easier, the spit up has been cut in half. I wonder if part of it is psycho somatic on my part. Is Eilish changing or am I getting more comfortable with her? A little of both maybe. We've had to use Gripe water twice since she's been on the planet and although I'm not sure it works, it sure does make her smell like she's been doing Zambuca shots with frat boys all night!
Eilish is the stuff that dreams are made of. The smiles are coming a little more frequently and the coos are in full affect. I know that she loves me and I want her to know that even though Mama cries, these days they are tears of sheer joy of what Daddy and I have made.
Besides, look at this face. Couldn't you muster up some tears of joy for this face?
4 comments:
I wants ta smack her right in the gob!
And yes, looking at her makes my eyes fill right up! God, she's gorgeous and she's changed so much since the one and only time I saw her! I've always seen more Jen than Owen in her and that remains the same even though she's changed. Bit weird.
Big hugs to you all!
Aunt Maureen
ok you got me!!! I know you think it's mostly post-partum but you have to admit we're had our share of stress in the last couple of weeks; so cry away;get it all out and you'll feel better. I can remember when Andrea was a baby feeling that sense of am i doing everything right? I hope i can advise her, like Judes does you, when it's her turn to become a MOM!!!!!
Aunt Joan
sniff, sniff. That was beautiful. You are more relaxed and she senses that for sure. I can't wait to see you guys on Thursday. Love you.
Lori
Want 2 cents from someone who does not have a child? Sure ya do!
I think when you have a baby it's natural to mourn the loss of self, like the independence you wrote about. And like mourning an actual death, the grief strikes in degrees: For some people there is a wash of unspecified sadness every so often, and for some it hits hard and sucks away logic. I'm glad you still have logic. And pretty hair. That being said, great post, beautiful baby who we all love...and we love you too new mama!
Post a Comment